I’m an ape. There’s no getting around that fact so we might as well get it out of the way. OK, technically I’m Pan Hominidae with my genetic stock being a blend of Pan and Homo sapiens. Most of us learn to get this out early when we meet and (possibly) date members of the homo sapiens class otherwise we might face awkward questions from our future homo sapiens spouses.

Many of those who choose to stay “in the cage” received a nasty surprise from mother nature when their new born bouncing baby boy or girl looked suspiciously hairy and apelike when the little bun popped out of the oven and into the world at the hospital. Awk-ward!

So yes, I choose to let all of my friends and associates know that I am in fact an ape. Sometimes they get offended and the friendship ends right there. Other times they want to get in bed with me and the friendship ends right there. I’m not a plaything and yes, the rumors of our endowment is true. Once you go ape, you never…um…what rhymes with ape? Never mind.

Trying to tell them that they’re apes too is a useless argument that ends in frustration, shouting, fisticuffs, and them calling you a homo. I know, right? Them calling you a homo. When I tell them we’re all homos they really get mad. And they call us ignorant savages.

You’re probably thinking I look like Cornelius or Cesare from Planet of the Apes, right? Well, you’re a real card. Were you born and raised in a box? Or worse, Kansas? I look just like you. Ok, I look mostly like you. My pupils tend to be larger than yours, my iris thinner, and my sclera (you know, that white part of your eye?) really small. We tend to have a little more facial hair, are much thinner than the average human, and have a much higher muscle density.

Our hair is universally straight and black. We cannot dye it, we cannot curl it. The only thing we can do is put it in a ponytail, braid it, cut it, or shave it. This tends to make us stand out from our genetic cousins and has led to decades of harassment, emulation, or outright hostility just because of the way we wear our hair.

You probably think my skin is brown or maybe jet black like those creepy ass Holdens. Am I right? You are such a racist. My skin is whiter than yours. Our creators knew that people would be afraid of us if they gave us too much pigment in our skin so they spliced in a neat little gene sequence to ensure our skin was a nice, pasty white. We can get tans pretty quickly and we don’t burn in the sun, but generally, we’re all white.

So yeah, I’m and ape, and so are you so get over it.