I was told a thousand times to keep my mind on my job. But what Anna had done to me last night and what she had promised to do to me after work today would keep any man distracted. And so I dropped a fuse. Down beneath the streets of Manhattan, surrounded by thousands of high voltage wires carrying tens of thousands of volts of electricity, I reached out and instead of catching the fuse, grabbed a piece of an exposed live line instead.

Damn it.

I knew even before my body locked up I was dead. My jaw locked shut clamping my teeth down and biting off the end of my tongue that had so recently been exploring Anna’s exterior and interior. A jet of blood spurted from my severed tongue and landed on the expose wire sending a series of blue arc-flashes around the small space. It was lovely.

I felt three of my fillings crack under the strain of my clenched jaw muscles. I couldn’t afford to get those replaced under Consolidated Edison’s crappy dental plan, then I remembered I was getting electrocuted to death and would not have to worry about it. See? There is a silver lining here.

I clamped down so hard on the live line that every bone in my hand fractured. My heart sped up as the energy coursed through me for three whole seconds before it began to fibrillate. I knew I’d be gone soon and thanked God because my clothes were catching on fire. I managed somehow to crane my neck back and look up through the manhole hoping maybe my roommate and work partner Dan was watching over me and would somehow cut the power line saving my ass but there was only a blameless circle of blue sky to greet me.

Fuck you, Dan. I hope I shit myself and you have to haul my stinking crap-splattered body up.

Then my view of the New York sky was cut off. Was Dan checking on me? Was I saved? No, my eyeballs had just ruptured. I expected that but it still pissed me off. Now my greatest fear was not dying in this hole beneath the city but surviving this mess with no eyes. Not to worry, though. I was burning pretty lively by now and smelled strongly of toast.

I like toast.

I hoped my heart would hurry up and seize ending this show before my anus caught on fire. What about my balls? Wouldn’t that hurt more? Good question. Maybe having my balls burned off would hurt more but they had just popped joining my eyes in the Great Unknown, so I wasn’t going to find out.

I could feel the end coming as a great black wave rushed toward me. My heart finally seized up and my bowels completely relaxed. Wow, who knew that getting electrocuted was like having a high colonic?

Good God, what did I eat last night?

Also, Fuck you Dan! I win!

Sort of.

My final coherent thought as my brain roasted and I prepared to see God (at least, I thought it would be God and not the Other Guy) was that I hoped they had women like Anna in heaven (or hell) and that Dan had the goddamned courtesy of clearing my computer’s internet history after the funeral.